When you take action on intuitive downloads/desires/dreams/new information, you don’t really know what will happen. Will you get what you seek? Will there be struggle? Will it be easy? Will there be loss? Will it match what you imagine? Will you get what you came for? Which is to say: I didn’t know what would happen when we temporarily moved to Hawaii; I didn’t know if I would get what I came for.

This year’s Mother’s Day was epic. Somewhat terrifyingly so. I thought it was going to be a regular Mother's Day hike. A few miles. A few lizards. Lunch by the Rio Grande. But on the way back, quite a ways in the lead of the rest of the family, I walked right up to a rattlesnake, head raised, rattles a'rattling, ready to strike. I was just several feet away. With a baby on my back

Today, I had an encounter that reminded me that our experiences of safety and agency are often being overridden by those around us and how that experience begins at a very young age. 

The second child in as many years left my body unexpectedly this last week. This time, when I realized I was miscarrying, I spent time thinking about what I wanted this experience to be like. Or rather, who I wanted to be in this experience. How I wanted to show up to it.

So here we are at the playground and a pre-school group shows up to play - mostly 4 and 5 year olds. Three girls come over to my son and wonder why he's not wearing shoes. One informs me that it's dangerous for him to be barefoot.

"When energy is blocked in a woman's root [pelvis], either by physical tension, emotional burden, past trauma, or long-term patters of core energy imbalance, it inhibits the energy flow in her life." - Tami Lynn Kent

Even in the midst of all these difficulties, I can feel myself walking out of a dark time and into a lighter time. I've undergone immense internal change.

Women are coming away from birth confused and horrified by what has happened to them. We tell them it was their provider. We tell them it was their lack of education. We tell them it was their trauma. This is not the whole truth.

A tale of miscarriage and personal transformation.

I used to get terrible menstrual cramps. In college, I remember thinking that my neighbors who shared a wall must be sure that someone in my apartment was having loud sex. But no, the bed banging against the wall and the moans weren't pleasure-induced. It was just me, having gotten my period.

We're not as toned as we'd like to be so we're tucking our pelvises, creating arbitrary contractions in our abdominal muscles and mostly? Mostly, we're sucking in our guts. We're eating and sucking in. We're peeing and sucking in. We're birthing and sucking in. We're driving and sucking in. We're writing this blog and sucking in.