Half My Life

Today, I have been married for half my life, the exact same number of days spreading out on either side of a rainy September evening in 2002.

Tomorrow, the scales will shift and the number of days on this side of an ivory gown and black suit will outrun those younger days. Can I put a mind-blown emoji in here? :)

I was on my honeymoon the first time I seriously questioned my decision to get married. Not for lack of effort, for lack of commitment, for lack of love, but more because we were setting out to do something impossible. I knew I could not, would not tolerate a long-term relationship that took more than it gave, that felt stagnant, that led to companionship and friendship but no romance, that left me (or my man) feeling settled and dim and how the hell were we going to be able to do something more than that?!

I’m quick to register that I have a happy marriage but I suppose I still may not stay married. I don’t hide the fact that I leave the upstairs bathroom window intentionally open and I make sure to never close the back door all the way. It’s just a crack, where the winds of something else float in, but I know it’s there, even when I’m in other rooms.

I could tell you that this willingness to leave is what keeps me married (it helps). I could tell you it’s because my husband is amazing (he is) or because I am (also true). I could tell you it’s the chemistry (that’s pretty useful, too) or the shared values (requisite, of course). I could tell you that we made a promise and we’re keeping that promise, but I know I didn’t promise forever, exactly, no matter what was said in the small yellow church on that rainy Sunday.

It sounds foolish, perhaps, to say of a twenty-two year old that she could know the choice she was making walking down the aisle, that despite the shadows of doubt about what could even be possible in a long-term relationship, that her sight was so clear, that her knowing so certain. But I see now how well she knew what she was choosing.

For the long and short of it is this: I am more because of this marriage. I am more free, more alive, more me. My husband tells me this is true of him, too. In the deepest ways, that is all I’ve ever wanted, probably all I will ever want.

I adore this man I chose so many years ago. I adore the person I have become by loving this man. I adore this house that we have built out of love and sweat and rage and listening and laughter. What a gift to have spent half my life in this house with this man with my ever-blooming self, all of it becoming more, more, more than I ever thought possible.